she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
