I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
