hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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