Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
