apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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