who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
