you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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