i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
