Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize