dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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