A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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