I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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