I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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