My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
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