Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
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