I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
