i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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