A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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