Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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