My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
