my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
