a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
