I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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