the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
