Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
