1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
