I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
