Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
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