i think my tv is drunk
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Randomize
