I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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