so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I just googled if crying burns calories
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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