my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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