She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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