dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
