I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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