Define "chronic" masturbator.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize