And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
