i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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