so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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