I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
