My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
It's shark week go big or go home
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
