2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
