I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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