lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
