why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
