gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
