if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
