i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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