I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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