I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
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