Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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