Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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