I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize