i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
