you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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