My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
