I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
